The Evolution Of Love

Love, as an emotion has been evolving within me.
My very first memory of love (I am sure I felt it before too but as a thought in me, love got created here) is running back from school, straight into the warm and secure arms of my mother. I distinctly remember her olive-green saree and the smell of starch as I hugged her knees as if my life depended on it. I remember feeling enveloped in a sense of deepest security – one that said to me, all is well, and all will be well.
Love to me, then, was about feeling secure.
And love grew up, and so did I.
Love suddenly became all about conversations as I entered my pre-teens. My sister and I would never sleep without discussing our day. Both of us in one bed, the stars twinkling above, and us simply sharing our thoughts, our feelings, and everything that mattered (and even so much of what didn’t matter!). I remember those rare, but beautiful conversations I had with my father at the dinner table where everyone else ceased as we immersed ourselves in making sense of something together. Or sitting on a wooden stool as I got back from school and mom would whip me up a delicious lunch and I would pour my little heart to her as her slender hands created magic in the pan.
Love to me, then, was about feeling a connection. About feeling heard. About having a voice.
And love grew up, and so did I.
Love suddenly became so much about the opposite gender in my teenage years. That cute boy in my tuition. The one that stayed opposite my home. Teasing and getting teased about “crushes”. Playing Flames on paper at school and sighing when the tables didn’t turn our ways. Petal by petal, wondering if he loves me, or loves me not. Love became all about heartbeat skips, heart beating faster and even heartbreaks. It felt like being on a roller coaster ride as we explored the adrenaline rush of love.
Love to me, then, was all about the other. About the kick of finding someone who could be special. About exploring young love and the delicate nuances that came with it.
And love grew up, and so did I.
In my early twenties, love suddenly became all about exploring my potential. Who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do with and for the world. About career, and goals. And leaving a mark. It was so exciting to know that you could be admired for your talents, and it could actually pay you. I wrote simply for catharsis, for expression, for venting – and to know the world was ready to invest in me, and felt the impact, started becoming the new thrill. I remember lying on my terrace facing the sea, for hours, wondering who I am and what I can be. Scribbling, writing, typing incessantly – creating a mark in the world.
Love to me, then, was all about what I could do with my life. About discovering my potential, working around it, and shining before the world.
And love grew up, and so did I.
Marriage happened with my best friend for life and with it came into so many more relationships. I knew how to be a daughter – and now I had to learn how to be a daughter in law (love). I was beginning to ace my role as a sister but now, sister-in-law. There were so many more relationships that came along with him – and sometimes I flourished, sometimes I floundered, sometimes I flowed and other times I felt deeply flawed. One thing I realized was, that the purpose of every relationship was ultimately to show me who I was – how deeply I could love, how quickly I could forgive, how beautifully I could grow up, how much more I could do for the ones who matter. It was a phase of immense self-discovery.
Love to me, then, was all about relationships. Cracking the code. Beautifying myself and others. Finding deeper and deeper layers of myself through the people around me – especially, the one I had said, “I do!” to.
And love grew up, and so did I.
Right now, this is where I am. My love for spirituality, for my guru, and for Life itself has been evolving constantly. There is this incessant yearning within me. For something deeper. For something more meaningful. Everything seems intensified and love seems to permeate into everything I do. From waking up, to sleeping, to everything that transpires in between is all about being my best self and finding something more to Life than the obvious. Peace has started becoming more constant, bliss – a friend, and love is blossoming way beyond me, mine and myself and becoming a feeling of oneness – where there is no separation. From a time when I used to feel love for someone – these gushes, and rushes, love seems to have become the soft background music to life. It’s present no matter what happens.
I am sure love will grow up, and so will I.
But for now, I love where I am and want to simply soak into this divine emotion, a little more, each day.
Once I know what happens next, I will surely write in.
For now, wishing love floods into everything that you think, say, or do this festive season.